My big picture

I want to be a stay-at-home mom for one important reason in particular. The way I see it, we as parents get our kids for 5 years, 3 or 4 if they go to preschool. We get their first 5 years, then they spend their day in a crowded classroom with teacher after teacher after teacher for 12 years, then it's off the college, and Lord knows if we, as parents, will see them more than a few days for major holidays. Then they get married and have their own house, their own careers, their own kids, their own overwhelming responsibilities, and our time with our kids gets less and less. Depressing to think about it that way, but that's life. We get the first 5 years with our kids. THAT'S why I am a stay-at-home mom.
Never mind the unbelieveable sacrifices I have to make, financially mainly, but also emotional, physical and mental sacrifices. Never mind the drastic change of lifestyle, going from doing what makes me happy, putting myself first in life to making sure my kid is happy, safe and healthy no matter what the cost. Never mind the relentless temper tantrums, poopy diapers, runny noses, life lesson after life lesson after life lesson. All of these stresses of parenthood are easily forgotten and forgiven when the big picture is revealed. 5 years. 5 years to be selfish with my kid's time, hugs, kisses, new experiences, new words, new silly faces, new favorites. After 5 years, I will have to share those with other people.
I do whatever I have to do in order to stay home with my kid. I give up my shopping trips, my want to eat anything other the PB&Js, my hair appointments, my handbags fetish, my Mercury Cougar. I give up sleeping late, enjoying a cup of coffee on the porch by myself, my art, my long, quiet, hot showers, my "me time" all together. I give up my house to other people's children so I can help with paying some bills. I give these things up willingly, because the most important thing to me is the person sitting next to me sucking his thumb stacking blocks. He is what I live for, and I give myself up to make him feel secure, safe and loved. I do that by being a stay-at-home mom.

For the most part, I am celebrated for being a stay-at-home mom for Simon. A lot of people wish they had the ability to stay at home with their babies. Once in a blue moon do I get ridiculed for it. I can't tell you how much that hurts, especially when its from the people I'm the closest to.  If only they could see my big picture.

1 year old!

So our baby is a year old now. (and a few days since I'm late posting this). Isn't he cute?

He eats everything- sandwiches, spaghetti, cereal, pancakes, ham, chicken, steak (just kidding), eggs, soup, anything and everything. He loves his whole milk and likes the Adam and Eve juice we got him, which is 1 serving of fruit and vegetable in one juice box.

He went to his first buffet last night. That was fun, until daddy gave him a Jell-O square. Did you know Jell-O stains skin and clothes? Yup. So mama and baby left the restaraunt stained orange.

He had his birthday party the 26th, and LOTS of people came to say Happy Birthday to him. Grandparents, a couple of great grandparents, an aunt, a great aunt, and lots of friends, even two of his teachers from 1st Baptist where we go to work every Sunday and Wednesday night. He of course got lots of presents and had some chocolate cake. He didn't eat as much as we thought he would, and once, when he knew everyone was watching and several were taking pictures, he put his face down on the cake and looked up at everybody, just waiting for everyone to get their shots in. It was so cute. He ate a few bites, like 4, and was done. After cake, he played with everyone and walked all over the house from person to person (setting a record for distance walked independently) and then pretty quickly, it was nap time. It was a looooong weekend.

He's still not walking consistently or constantly, still prefers to crawl, but wants us to walk around with him while he holds our finger. Mama and Daddy are sooooo tired by the end of the day. He had his first time out this morning. He wasn't happy about something and threw a fit about it and wouldn't calm down. So mama sat him in his bed and closed his door and left him in there until he calmed back down. After getting really mad and screaming and panicking that mama had left him, he got real quiet and laid down and waited for me to come back in. He's going to learn reeeeeal quick that mama don't play that game.

He's a good kid, super cute and loves to love on his family. We're so proud of him and how he's growing up and we just can't believe we've had him for a year already.

11 months old

Hmm, 11 months. Well, he weighs about 24-25 lbs. He's solid. He has 6 teeth, 4 on the top, 2 on the bottom. He is taking a few steps by himself, and if I ever stand him up to walk and he doesn't want to, he goes spaghetti legs. :) He walked across our living room from Nana to Great Granny. He walked to the door from the middle of the foyer to greet Daddy after he got home from work. He loves walking around the backyard with the dog, and still loves taking walks in his stroller around the neighborhood. At the church nursery, he gets one of the chairs and pushes it around the room. Still sleeps like a log and has started sleeping with a blanket covering him now. As we cover him up, he'll reach his hands behind him, grab the edges of the blanket and tuck it under his belly. Corey melts every time he does that. When we pull out the fleece quilt that Nana made him, he goes crazy; loves that thing more than anything else he has. He has spent some time away from home and Mama with some other friends, Mrs. Carla from Salem Wes, and Mrs. Kim from 1st Baptist nursery.
He has a look he'll give you to let you know he's going to be getting silly. He lowers his head and looks at ya from right underneath his eyebrows and grins. When he is about to do something that he knows will get a reaction (trying to "eat" our shoes, our feet, etc.), he'll start to chuckle like he's saying "haha, I'm going to get you". He absolutely loves our neighbor, Bruce. He's the only man that Simon aches to go to besides his Daddy. He'll go to everybody and anybody, even mechanics at the auto body shop, but he can't wait to get to Daddy or Bruce.
He had his first lemon Monday night. Made the classic face, and then reached for more. The kid will eat anything.
We're getting anxious about next month. EEEEk.

update

Last post, I let a lot of things fly off the handle about my job search and not feeling good enough at any one thing, thus not having a chance of a career that I enjoyed.
I have a stay-at-home job. :) It's definitely not something I would search out to find, but it pays well and will allow me to stay with Simon. What more could I really ask for, right? Those are the two main things I need right now.
The pastor of our church saw a previous status of mine on Facebook which said I needed a well-paying stay-at-home job. Well, turns out, our pastor is the CEO of a company and after seeing my status, offered me a job of what I term "customer service". I will be answering a company cell phone and answering questions callers have about the product this company sells. And with each phone call, I have to log it into the computer to record what kind of questions are being asked about the product. Sounds simple enough. It will be complicated until I know everything there is to know and more about the product and be able to keep Simon happy and quiet while I'm on the phone so I don't bring my personal life into the phone call, but the money is worth it for us and like I said, I can stay with Si.
Gotta love FB.

the big picture

I'm thinking too much about my life, my career, everything, so I need to write it down. Maybe reaching out will prove to help me.
I don't know what to do with my life. I want a job, but I think I'm one of those people who thinks you should have a job that you love, not tolerate so you can pay the bills. At the same time, I don't think I excel at anything. I take pictures, and some turn out really well, but I'm no photographer. I can draw, but I'm a perfectionist so it takes me a week to do a piece, so I'm no artist. I love children and got my degree in Child and Family Studies, but I don't want to raise other people's children as a job, or for any reason. I like to read, but that's not a job. I like to decorate my house, but I wouldn't say I excel at it like an interior decorator would. I like landscaping my yard, but I'm not a landscaper. I want to work at home, or have a job that I can bring my kids with me, but those don't seem to exist. I looked into Medical transcription for a while, but after doing a demo of the job, I don't think I would like it and I would especially not like it the first few years until I was really good at it, thus making it somewhat easier.
I try to think about what I"m good at, which is even more depressing than my work-from-home job search, because I'm not good at anything. I can't do anything. I'm so sad about myself. I don't know if there's anything I really love. I love music, listening to each note, getting absorbed in each instrumental break of a song. I actually miss reading sheet music. But I'm not a musician- I can't play anything. And I don't want to be a musician, plus that doesn't pay. And it's not stay-at-home work.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life. I love staying at home with Simon, but it's not what I'm supposed to do in life, ya know. I'm not destined to be a housewife. I need to bring in some income to feel complete, I need to do something else. But I can't just be a waitress, or a janitor or a child care worker or a secretary or anything meaningless for me. (No offense to those people who serve these jobs, and enjoy them.) I want to work, and work hard, for something I like doing, for something I'm good at, for something that I will want to do every day for the rest of my life.
But what?! And when?!

10 months old

Wow. He's such a big boy.
He's in size 4 diapers now. He went to the doctor yesterday and he weighed 23 lbs 12 oz, and was 30.5 inches long. He was given a report of perfect health, and a little nosy. He kept wanting to play with their instruments- the Dr.'s stethoscope, the tape measure when measure his head, the pamphlets, so the doctor told him he was nosy. He got his last Hep B shot. It took him all of 3 seconds to recover and go back to playing with his travel size packet of tissues.
He can eat an apple with all those teeth. Check out his website for pictures and a video of him chowing down on a peeled apple. He loved it. We think it makes his gums feel good. He's trying to cut his 6th tooth; this one's causing him some problems.
Yesterday, get this, he took one nap. ONE NAP! I was not happy, and so very tired. He usually takes one in the morning about 930 or 10 and then one in the afternoon about 2. Yesterday, he did not want his afternoon nap. He took the morning nap at 830, slept til 1030 when I had to go wake him up, and he didn't sleep after that. Crazy kid. I hope that doesn't become the norm.
He loves Target for some reason and really loves riding in the buggy across the parking lot.
He's eating everything now; when we eat, he wants what we're eating. So he pulls himself up to stand in front of me while I'm eating and grunts until I give him something. He eats my oatmeal, my carrots, my english muffin, my sandwiches (just the corner though, so it's only bread). He wants my flavored water, my tea, everything. He never asks Daddy for anything, just Mama. And I don't mind sharing. He's so cute.
He's started walking holding just one of my hands and the other hand gliding the wall and he can climb the bottom step. He is really starting to enjoy crawling now that he's good at it. He got his first taste of dog food yesterday. He was crawling from the kitchen where I was into the sunroom and it got really quiet. And if you're a parent, you know quiet is not usually a good thing. So I walk quickly in there and he has a hand full of dog food and looks up at me, keeping his mouth closed and moving his tongue around. Luckily, I get it out and tell him no, and then sit in the living room with him and a Ritz cracker so he would realize that his food tastes better than the dogs. :)
I love my kid.

Memories

Upward Bound 1999-2002
3 years together impacted my life.