We are living in the apartment now. We have all our stuff spread between 3 places- the old house, the storage unit, and the apartment.
Honestly, I'm not too sure what to say. I'm nonchalant about the whole thing, in a more depressed, quiet, sad kinda way than anything. It kinda feels like giving up- that's what it is, that I've gave up on being happy right now. I'm happy when I'm with Corey and I'm happy with Simon and Milo. I'm happy that we're not homeless.
But that's all surface emotions, ya know. The true, deep down part of me is sad.
I don't like living in what feels like a hotel, I want a house that I can make a home with our things, with a nursery that we can prepare for Simon. I want to be able to get things for him and find the perfect place to put them in his room, instead of in a box in storage. I want to be able to paint the tree silhouette on the wall over his crib, and set up a little bookshelf with the "Little Golden Books". I want to sit in his room in an old fashioned rocking chair and do nothing but feel him move and punch and pedal those little feet.
I want to be settled, for the first time in 8 years and not have to worry about moving again in the next year or two. I want me and Corey to have our first official house, to have the peace and pride that comes with that consistency and ownership. I want Simon to have a place to come home to after he's born, a place that's just his, a place that is warm and peaceful and happy, not a small apartment filled with discontentment, anxiety and cardboard boxes that won't get unpacked because we're not sure when we'll move again.
It all comes down to this simple desire: I want a home for my family.
Until then, this should-be-nesting mother will be sadly nonchalant.
2 comments:
Your home is wherever you and Corey are, weather it is a hotel room, apartment over the garage, or a treehouse. Even though you may not feel that way right now, when you bring Simon to wherever it is that you are, it will be home. Think of yourself as a nomadic family, always living on the edge of a new adventure. This will teach young Simon the importance of depending on his loving family and not on specific places or things. Plus, the love you guys share for each other (including Simon and Milo) is to big to be contained in a silly little house :)
Bummer that you feel unrooted! I think Luta felt that way our entire time in Seminary, and she has gone on a decorating blitz once again in an attempt to make the apartment feel like home (she keeps trying, we'll see if she succeeds). I know how crappy it can feel to not feel home, to not think you have a place to settle and own as yours. Hope you are able to find that, whether in a house or wherever you are parked at the moment. But I will keep hoping and praying for a house!
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