Last night I had a breakdown.
It was the latest one of four.
I'm not sure how to write this out.
I'm not me.
This is not who Danessa is.
I pretend to be Danessa but I'm not.
I am torn between Danessa Pollard and Danessa Barker and who exactly she is.
The bottom line is I'm both. I am still a Pollard. I am still my mama and daddy's girl.
And I am proud to be Corey Barker's wife.
But for some reason, I can't be myself without both of them.
When I'm here in Wilmore living in Danessa Barker's apartment, working 8-4 5 days a week at Danessa Barker's job, that's not me.
When I'm at home in North Carolina without Corey, sleeping in Danessa Pollard's room, shopping with Danessa Pollard's family, attending Danessa Pollard's church, that's not me either.
I have to have both. The only time I am the true, honest-to-goodness Danessa Joy Pollard Barker is when I am at home in North Carolina with both my mama and daddy, my sister and brother, and my husband.
I am myself maybe two weeks of the year. I am myself for maybe two weeks of the year.
Do you know how betraying it feels to live your life as someone else because you can't have what you need to be your true self?
Do you know how saddening, how depressing, how disappointing it is to not be comfortable in your own skin 50 weeks of the year?
I do.
2 comments:
I do my friend, I spent a lot of this weekend reflecting on how much I understand what you're saying. I'm here for you. With love.
I don't know ms. leanne, but i agree with her. Somehow, I feel exactly the same way. I feel like my life stops as soon as I leave NC, but at the same time I love being Sam's wife. When I leave him, part of my heart is missing, and it hurts just as bad. How do we figure out how to mix them both? How can we have just one life? How can we be truly happy if we're not surrounded by EVERYone we love??
With that being said, I understand how much it hurts and how confusing it is. I love you and I'm still connected to that conference call with you and God.
Post a Comment